Review – 9


9

 

Imagine a world where everyone and everything living is dead. Then imagine that a scientist whose fault it was that everything died (albeit indirectly) created some sackpeople to try and stop the thing that killed everyone. Imagine they succeed and everything stays dead. Congratulations, you’ve just imagined the whole of 9.

I hope in previous efforts I’ve made it clear that I’m really not into spoiling narratives and giving plots away but in this case I feel like it’s really the only way to highlight just how uninvolving this film is. I know I’m a bit of a stickler and a fuddy duddy but there’s this thing that I’ve made frequent reference to in the past and I feel somewhat ridiculous in bringing it up again but I’m going to and you’re just going to have to like it. That thing is investment – when it comes to movies it doesn’t matter entirely what you’re invested in, as long as you’re invested in something.

9 gives you absolutely nothing to invest in.

Some stuff happens, some sackpeople die, some don’t and that’s about it. At no point did I actually care whether or not the sackpeople managed to do whatever it was they were trying to do as I couldn’t actually see how it mattered. We’re told early on that 9 (the main sack person) is very important as only he can stop the bad thing, but then he causes the bad thing to happen before stopping it – killing numerous other sackpeople in the process. It just didn’t make sense and that really annoyed me.

So what’s good about it then? Well the visuals are very competent, but that’s about it. I could go on about the film’s other flaws – the wafer thin plot and its inherent holes, the underuse of voice talent (there’s some real heavy hitters in there), the extremely confused marketing (I literally have no idea who this film’s intended audience is) – but I really can’t be bothered.

I’m well aware that my reviews are usually twice this length but I genuinely have nothing else to say about this film. There are films out there which I think are terrible but people still love and I can kind of understand that because there are terrible films that I love too. I guarantee you however that this film will not fall into that distinction – there’s just nothing in it to love.

It’s by no means a bad film, it’s just a total non-event. It really is a long time since I’ve felt so disconnected and indifferent towards a movie and as far as I’m concerned, that’s a whole lot worse than me hating it.

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